Much has been said about #Nirbhaya since that fateful night of#December16 two years ago. We have expressed outrage, protested in the streets, cried for her parents, shamed her assailants, wrung our hands, moved on and in some ways ahead too. When her gruesome rape and murder took place two years ago it took the capital and really all of India - at least urban India - by storm. Petitions were filed, commissions initiated, the perpetrators arrested and new laws legislated. All moves in the right direction, but only the beginning of a reckoning long overdue.
#Nirbhaya became the lightning rod for violence against women in India, and about high time something did. A deluge of reactions ensued, albeit of many flavors. There were the usual nincompoop politicians, religious leaders and other "elders" of India who came out with their predictable proclamations amounting to, "it was her fault for being out at night, for being with a man, for wearing jeans, for owning a cellphone, for having a dream, for ....blah blah..." ad nauseum! But what was noteworthy was the shaming they received, especially from youth in India.
There were those who resigned themselves - most of them cynics from my generation - "this is how it is, nothing will change, and all we can do is tell our girls to be more careful...". I grew up in India so that did not surprise me. We are such pragmatists that we can almost always be counted on to take the easy way out. Telling our daughters to curb their freedom is so much easier than doing anything about such horrendous acts, lest we spend an extra minute pondering any value worth fighting for. Don't get me wrong. There is genuine and understandable parental concern at play when we tell our girls to be careful, not trust strangers, or not go out on lonely streets alone at night. Do note that Nirbhaya was not alone, nor on a lonely street. Also that more than 70% of sexual crime against girls and women is committed by men they know - often family members, neighbors, and trusted family friends! But even so, telling our women to be careful should be treated as a necessary - and hopefully temporary evil - while we expend our energies towards limiting if not ending the need for it. And that includes teaching our sons better, speaking out when someone is demeaning our girls and not letting our elders' traditions dictate how women are viewed. Telling women to limit their freedoms, should be seen as an unfair restriction we impose, NOT a burden that is theirs alone to bear, and their freedom NOT the source nor the CAUSE of the violence against them. That does not demand an environment that is perfectly safe - there is no such place - but let's not use some esoteric concept of perfection to stall progress.
There have also been those - some feminists included - who criticized our reaction by calling our attention to similar heinousness experienced routinely by rural/ Dalit/ poor women in villages, small towns -- victims who almost never receive justice. So why this reaction now? for this Delhi girl? They have a point and the complete lack of humanity meted out to women, and girls in villages and small towns is undeniable. But there is an important psychological and sociological phenomenon at play here. India is going through a huge economic and social transformation. There are employment opportunities now that are allowing women unprecedented financial and personal freedom. Nirbhaya represented that. She was an urban, middle class girl who had dreams. And yes she wore jeans and used a cell phone - those are important icons in India, if you know how to read symbols. Millions of middle class urban girls and women identified with her - and that was the crucial difference this time. Urban women have greater access to media, greater means to be heard and are often more vocal, and this garners them an unfair share of attention. That does not make it OK that non-urban/ poor women suffer injustice or that their suffering is any way less valid. But this is how cultural and political change comes about. The personal is the political. People sit up and take notice when it is someone they can identify with. So while we can wring our hands about how wholly inadequate this is, it is an irreversible start. I don't have any illusions about the speed with which change will come about - especially given the pathetic state of law enforcement - but many of the the preconditions for a transformation are present in India like never before, and that's reason to be hopeful.
Perhaps the thing that was most noteworthy, inspiring, and heart-breaking, in all of this gruesome mess was Nirbhaya's own parents' reaction - particularly that of her courageous father. When the media reported this incident without naming her per the law in India - ironically reflective of a vapid culture that heaps shame on the victim and exonerates the perpetrator - he came out openly revealing her identity. He reminded us that she was innocent, a girl with dreams AND the victim! He showed us how we should treat our daughters. He exhibited a more progressive, enlightened view of women than the VAST majority around him; many of them more educated, better off, and better placed. This from a man who worked doubly hard, sold his ancestral property in the village to support his daughter's dreams. He must grieve every day even as we move on with our lives, and he will die grieving. Such is the nature of things when children die leaving parents behind. We can't alleviate that. But perhaps we can prevent another family's suffering by bringing about change, even a miniscule change, whatever is within our individual reach. Perhaps all that amounts to is speaking up next time someone blames women for such violence, or writing a check for an organization devoted to such a cause, or something even more profound like raising our sons to have respect like Nirbhaya's father had for her.
I will light a lamp for her tonight. Join me.
In the meantime I offer you this poem I wrote for her in 2012...
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Reena
December 15th 2014 in USA....
...it is already the 2-year anniversary of Nirbhaya's murder in Delhi on Dec 16th 2012....
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